


The Bermuda Fridge

by Eternal_Yorozuya



Category: Gintama
Genre: Abuto's worst nightmare, Food, Funny, Gen, Harusame - Freeform, Swear Words, nasty - gintama style, yato - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28554126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternal_Yorozuya/pseuds/Eternal_Yorozuya
Summary: Hell's kitchen, but nasty, and without Gordon Ramsay. And in space.Abuto becomes a master of bluff. Or maybe not?
Relationships: Abuto & Kamui (Gintama)
Kudos: 8
Collections: Eternal Yorozuya Doujin Circle, Gintama Anthology by Eternal Yorozuya Doujin Circle





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Le Frigo des Bermudes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28553661) by [Eternal_Yorozuya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternal_Yorozuya/pseuds/Eternal_Yorozuya). 



> Données techniques :  
> Histoire originale par : Aree/The Eternal Diva  
> Date originale de publication : 17/10/2019  
> Traduit par : Eternal Yorozuya (traducteurs impliqués : Aree)  
> Date de traduction : 04/01/2021
> 
> Technical Data :  
> Original story by Aree/The Eternal Diva  
> Original date of publication: 17/10/2019  
> Translation by: Eternal Yorozuya (translators involved: Aree)  
> Date of translation: 04/01/2021.
> 
> Inspired by Olarin (@olaringard). And food.

You could tell that the Harusame’s Seventh Fleet was a boisterous one. Although that word is a bit weak. You could have said it was devilishly efficient, too. That it was a well-known and feared – for its strength and cruelty- force throughout the entire universe.

The weak were pushed around, of course. But so are the strong. The strong were shoved aside. Real hard.

So when you took the already strongest clan in the whole universe; and added to that a young, silly, impulsive leader with partly immortal blood running in his veins; **that** was the time to start worrying. Even for a Yato.

Even for Abuto.

Yet the morning had started so well. All was quiet; the bulk of the troops still asleep or eating in silence. Though you couldn’t really tell when morning nor evening started in space; since space was dark all the time.

Consequently, most occupants of the spaceship had taken a behaviour similar to the one displayed by strange Earth creatures called **NEETs (1)** , as human named them. A type of creature that spent all its time not caring about the passing time; in short.

But if anything rallied all these individuals, it was the call of the stomach.

Indeed, there was to the Yato a sort of gut feeling that made them always know when the exact moment to stuff themselves had come.

You couldn’t be mad at them. Eating in sufficient quantities was needed to ensure one’s survival, especially if your strength as well as the ability to make use of it fully depended on the calories accumulated in one’s body.

Anyways. Most of the time it was mostly because they were big greedy pigs.

As a result, the kitchen always had refrigerators crammed with various rations and groceries from various planets; matching all of the Yato’s diverse tastes.

As for Abuto, he kinda liked Fruit Loops.

Some kind of coloured cereals in the shape of small rings, crunchy to the bite, and that had to be soaked in milk, if one wished to savour them in all their flavours.

He’d discovered this strange and nourishing dish during one of their past visits near the Earth.

He was also explained to the « Breakfast Ceremony » **(2)** in detail: First, take a bowl. Then pour the milk; then add the cereals. Unless it was the other way around? First milk, or cereals? He was pretty sure the bowl came first. And milk was an indispensable necessity if one wished to get the best out of every subtle change in flavour. Besides, the soaked cereals created pastel rainbows spreading out at the milk’s white surface. It was rather nice to watch.

Furthermore, he still had to fill in an expense account regarding the destroyed planet of last weak. And also-

_**A scream.** _

And also…

_**Some yelling.** _

Also…

_**A loud crash.** _

Abuto winced. His train of thoughts got interrupted several times by frightened screams.

Deep down, not only he knew who was the main cause of said screams, but also that his day wouldn’t be peaceful anymore; that is, until the next Breakfast Ceremony.

And very quickly, his suspicions were confirmed.

First by sight.

He saw a red patch of hair crossing the whole refectory, cutting through the dense crowd of frightened Yatos like Moses parting the Red Sea. The Captain’s signature rebellious flick of hair fluttering all over the place, probably in reaction to his bearer’s annoyance.

Then by hearing.

A series of whispers and exclamations of surprise partly suppressed by the crew members; like wild gossip spreading in a country village.

And finally, with his guts.

He had the unpleasant, foreboding feeling, that something really bad was bound to happen. This was always the case when the brat was upset. Or maybe had he eaten too much?

Ah. The redhead’s smile had decreased by about 45 %. He was definitely pissed off.

“aaaaaaa-buuu-tooooooo”, Called Kamui in a thin voice.

The middle-aged Yato wondered what was wrong; again. Last week the toilets were clogged. Five days ago, someone left in the washing machine a red pen in his pocket, proceeding to dye the white laundry with various shades of pink; Colors worthy of the Pink Panther himself. Just yesterday, an unknown asshole had smashed the main widescreen in the video room.

And Abuto was pretty sure half or at least – if not every - one of those disasters were the exclusive doing of the idiot currently standing in front of him.

But he held life in too high regards – as well as his remaining arm made of flesh and blood – to say anything.

”What’s wrong, Captain? Did someone clog the toilets again because of a wild case of diarrhoea?” He asked.

Part of the Yato took their chance to silently scamper away while their Captain’s attention remained focused on his second-in-command; the other part resuming the usual course of their _**Stuff-yourself-or-die**_ time of the day.

Said young Captain cast his subordinate’s cutting remark away, and asked in a voice swinging between annoyance and threatening intent :

“Where’s my box ?”

“Ha? What box ?” Asked Abuto, not really sure what the young Yato was speaking about.

“ _ **My box”**_ , insisted Kamui.

“Please clarify, Captain. There are so many boxes on this spaceship everyone is having trouble getting their bearings. Toolboxes, black box, gearboxes, dirty magazine boxes, shameful boxes, boxes for lonely men, boxes for-”

He didn’t have time to finish his box list – which was clearly starting to fall into a more private and personal one – as the Captain definitely gave up his smile in favour of a 0 % smile expression. Neutral.

“My box with my name on it.”

Ah. Things were getting clearer. Some idiot must have taken a box labelled with Umibouzu’s son name on it; and since the latter had a quite unreadable shitty handwriting, said idiot mustn't have realized he was triggering an interstellar war by drawing a target on his own ass.

“Did you put your name on it, Captain ?” He asked distractedly, returning his focus to his bowl of cereals.

The Fruit Loops were now all soggy and floppy; just as his will to do anything was.

As for Kamui, he opened his eyes a little more, and a serious glare aimed at Abuto.

“Some asshole among our men probably took it by mistake”, said, at last, the man with the long mane stylized into a mullet.

“If so, I’m going to slaughter that bastard”, Replied Kamui.

The Captain viciously closed his eyes, while cracking the knuckles of his hands. There was going to be more destruction. Abuto knew it. And it was again he who would have to clean the mess left behind by his boss. That he knew too.

Peeved, he resumed eating his soggy cereal, chewing softly every spoonful he brought to his mouth.

“By the way, what was inside the box ?” He asked, curious about what was so important to the Captain’s eyes that it would further piss off the already pissed off young Yato.

“My chilli-con-Carne,” Kamui innocently answered, as if it was the most obvious thing.

He seemed to have calmed down.

And as the middle-aged Yato – who sometimes had to play the part of a nanny- guessed right, it was an issue concerning food. Again… That made it the sixth time this month that an issue regarding food had been discussed. And they were still in the first week of said month. Using _**diplomacy**_ – _a concept so foreign to the Yato, that he had to a_ _c_ _quire it by force as to prevent half the universe from running after them for damage money every time they stopped somewhere_ – he calmly said :

“Well. It must have already been eaten, Captain. The only thing we can do is ask for the box to be returned to you”.

The foolish Captain seemed to think during a while; weighing the pros and cons of not being able to wack for good the culprit, but to be able to indiscriminately beat the shit out of anyone remotely annoying him in the next few hours. The choice was obviously quick, the redhead choosing quantity over quality for his workouts.

 _Workouts my ass;_ thought Abuto.

“And so, about that box; where was it, and what did it look like ?” Asked the older Yato.

He took the chance to keep stirring his cereal, while Kamui was trying to remember; thinking hard. He mustn’t have touched it for a while, as he was taking way too much time thinking about it. Unless he was just an idiot and lived too much in the present moment to burden himself with older-than-a-week memories.

“I think I left it in the fridge.”

“Hum. Yes, the fridge. As expected, when it comes to food...” Abuto thought aloud.

Kamui absentmindedly raised a finger to his lips, as if to focus with all his might about what he was trying to describe; His flick of hair shaping into a question mark.

“Oh, And I think it was about this size...”He said with his unruly flick of hair now forming an exclamation point; while picturing with his hands a space of 20 centimetres in length or so.

As for Abuto, he ended gazing at his bowl, engrossed into watching the seemingly calm and coloured surface of the milk.

“Ah yes, this size… Yes, yes. Just like the regular size of a Tupperware...” Abuto absentmindedly announced aloud, without a look cast at his boss.

He didn’t have to raise his eyes to guess his boss’s body language. After all these years, he knew it like the back of his hand. He was already picturing the young Yato displaying a thoughtful face, adorned with an innocent gaze teasing not in the least his spontaneous violence; latent at the moment.

“And it was see-through, with a yellow lid, and little white rabbits are drawn on it”, added Kamui.

“Ah, a see-through box, with a yellow lid, with white rabbit patterns ?” Abuto repeated in a distracted voice. “Was it sent to you by your sister ?”

Then, as if he had just realized what he had just said, Abuto’s brain suddenly started putting in motion its gears; and the next moment, he would have preferred that it was Truck-Kun **(3)** who hit him to send him in an Isekai; rather than the cold realization that hit him head-on.

The apparent peaceful surface of the milk cradling the cereals was disturbed.

Abuto’s face tightened so much that he bit his tongue and nearly choked on his Fruit Loops.

**FUCK.**

That was his box?

**THAT THING?**

That **FILTHY** thing that was rotten since weeks ago and looked like a _**scale model of the mushroom forest from Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind?**_

_**Was he serious ?!** _

The asshole targeted for a soon-to-be annihilation by the Captain; was him ?!

He remembered taking the box in his hands, with some unreadable scribble on the side; and after seeing the more than questionable content, swiftly throwing it into the trashcan; the thing going down with all hands on board. And now, he was in deep shit.

_**Think, Abuto. THINK. FAST.** _

Anything. Any lie the young man will gobble up like there’s no tomorrow to keep harm at bay. What if the Captain came to him because he thought he did it in the first place?

He had to risk it all. Come one, poker face, and believable story.

“What’s happening, Abubu ?”Asked Kamui.

_Stay calm… Don’t panic… He can’t possibly know_ , thought the Yato with the mullet haircut.

“O-Oh… That reminds me… Captain… Did you already hear about… The Bermuda Triangle ?” He tried.

_**Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit WE SAID BELIEVABLE;**_ he mentally panicked.

Under all that pressure, Abuto’s brain has started to short-circuit.

“The what ?” Asked Kamui, seriously intrigued.

_**Phew.** _

This dumbass didn’t even know what it was.

Abuto would have to thank that weird merchant adorning sunglasses who had sold him an Encyclopedia of Earth myths and legends at a bargain price since he’d ordered 10 tons of rice the previous month.

Even though that man’s unsettling laugh made him a bit uncomfortable back then.

“A-Ah, you don’t know about it? That’s an area know to be unknown”, Abuto tried again.

He let everything rest on luck, as well as his ability to ad-lib. But he was certainly not going to fall easily in battle and be demolished by his boss.

“I heard this type of space or area originating from Earth makes everything located inside disappear”, Abuto kept going on. “As is it was teleported to another world. Like the children in Narnia when they get into the wardrobe”.

Kamui’s patience was growing thin.

“So? What do you mean by that? The children stole my Chili-con-Carne ?”

Abuto mentally facepalmed. It was more than easy with this brat. Maybe a bit too much.

“No, Captain. Leave the children out of this, they’re too busy searching the White Witch…” He sighed. “I think our fridge may contain such an area sending stuff to another dimension”.

“Like a _**Bermuda Fridge**_ , then ?” Thought aloud Kamui.

As soon as he’d said that, Kamui rushed to the fridge, and swung open its double door. It was a huge fridge, almost like a cold room, with two swing doors to access it. Then… He shut himself inside.

A bit shocked by what he’d just witnessed, Abuto didn’t say a word; and remained immobile until the young Yato came out panting as if he’d just run a marathon; despite the cold temperature he’d remained in.

“Abuto… I looked everywhere… But I didn’t find any White Lady **(5).”**

A vein popped on Abuto’s temple.

“It’s the White Witch! **And I told you to leave Narnia out of this !** ”

However, the young Yato wasn’t listening to him anymore. Or maybe he didn’t even listen from the beginning? That was likely the latter one.

“Well, if that fridge is indeed proven to be making all our precious edible goods disappear, we’ll have to get rid of it, for the crew’s greater good.” Said Kamui with all the seriousness he could muster. “We’ll have to buy back rations and stock up on food.”

However, the trickle of drool at the corner of his mouth, though quite discreet, already betrayed his intent.

 _For the crew’s greater good? Don’t you mean for your own stomach’s greater good, Captain…?_ thought Abuto.

« Abuto, I’m going to need your help » added Kamui, more drool coming out of his mouth.

* * *

Following the former events, Abuto found himself in the middle of the night with the duty of guarding a cold room, while knowing perfectly well that nothing of interest would happen. The lie he’d come up with came back with a vengeance to munch on his ass, taking the shape of reinforced monitoring; to which was added the presence of his own boss. Who, for the latter, was waiting for the bait to disappear right before his very eyes.

Said bait, placed inside the fridge, was in another box belonging to the Captain.

And Abuto, tired, was slumped in a chair since their surveillance started three hours prior.

As for Kamui, his glare was riveted to the metallic swing doors.

Abuto was even starting to feel his head growing heavier with every minute passing by, his head even slightly tilting forward from time to time. But despite that, he had to stay alert. If he wanted to stay out of trouble - not only for lying to his boss, but also for throwing out his chilli in the first place (though it would more accurately qualify as radioactive waste, at the time) – he had to wait for the precise moment when Kamui would divert his attention; so as to make the new bait (more chilli-con-Carne in a brand new plastic box) disappear into thin air. He had to; if he wanted his lie to become the truth.

He almost felt bad for the freshly-made chilli, obviously more appetizing than the two months old remains he’d unearthed from the fridge the night before.

And as if Lady Fortune herself had heard him, a Yato dressed in a uniform and a thick leather apron and wearing thick protective glasses resting on his dishevelled grey hair; came to present himself at the door of the late-night deserted refectory. Abuto recognized him as Jihou, one of the mechanical engineers responsible for maintaining the machinery aboard the spaceship.

An engineer who motioned to the Yato Captain to speak with him.

Bingo.

Momentarily walking away to the other side of the room to meet the engineer and find out what he wanted from him, Kamui left Abuto alone, facing the cold room. The conversation immediately switched on the engines’ status and the ongoing maintenance in designated areas.

The Captain of the Harusame Seventh Fleet then began to review and recap with the engineer the steps involved in repairing the ship’s right front engine. A technical discussion that required all of Kamui’s concentration to complete.

Exactly what Abuto was waiting for, during the last three hours of unwavering supervision from his red-haired boss.

As quickly and silently as possible, he smoothly and precisely grabbed the box, opened it and gulped down all the content without even chewing. Then, with the same agility, put the box back exactly where it belonged on the refrigerated shelf.

Perfect. The other idiot brat would not see a thing.

Said idiot then came back from his short interview with the Yato engineer.

“Okay, let’s see if the chilli is still in there,” said Kamui while reaching out to open the stainless steel swing doors.

_**Good. My plan was a bit rushed, but it’s perfect. He won’t find anything!**_ Abuto triumphantly thought.

No sooner had Kamui opened the door to the cold room, than Abuto took a shocked expression and blurted out what he had barely had time to repeat in his head a few seconds before.

“ **THE CHILI WENT TO NARNIA!** ”He screamed.

Kamui was equally (but genuinely) shocked, not understanding what had transpired there.

“The chilli… It’s gone...” He eventually said, not believing his own words.

“I told you so Captain! There’s a Bermuda zone inside that fridge! It makes all the food go away!”

“But this time only the chilli is gone; the box is still there...” Observed Kamui with a curious glance.

“The Bermuda zone must’ve become self-conscious, and knows how to differentiate organic from synthetic” elaborated the adult Yato.

_Yes. He could really lie his way out of this situation. Abuto, you’re the best._

But then, things unexpectedly started to turn sour…

Something wasn’t right. Right after he’d thought he would get away with it, Abuto felt a huge stomach ache.

It was even beginning to be as chaotic as a Gilet Jaune protestation in the middle of Paris.

No… He hadn’t dared?

Poison? In the chilli?

But a huge gurgling sound and an unpleasant feeling in his buttocks came to support his reasoning.

That dirty little asshole. He put laxatives in the chilli?!

Or maybe it was already there from the start; some sort of poisoned gift from his little sister?

Anyways, the situation had degenerated as dramatically and quickly as a wig violently torn off by a violent gust of wind from an old bald man’s head.

He mentally curses at his current predicament, but also to the fact that he always ends up involved as collateral damage in the two sibling’s childish bickering. Couldn’t they leave that old man out of their shit? Wasn’t losing an arm already enough?!

“Nonetheless, that’s really impressive,” continued Kamui. “ I wonder if that Bermuda zone can also make people disappear...”

“I-It’s… It’s likely that it’s possible… In some cases...” Abuto stammered, his forehead sweaty.

Abuto felt it. The situation in his guts was now as messed up as a football match between Russia and England; when the two team’s most violent supporters would come to throwing hands at each other.

“Nevertheless, never would I’ve thought that story about shorts was true, to begin with,” thoughtfully said Kamui.

“That _**Bermuda**_ story, Captain; not that bermuda shorts story, let alone shorts” Abuto felt complied to correct.

But sensing the business taking place in his bowels was more pressing with each second away from the toilets, the middle-aged undertook the delicate task of making his boss go away. Fast.

“By the way Captain, you should already go a take a look at the new types of fridges available; and if possible take one with the anti-Bermuda zone option. You have to buy one of those quickly if you don’t want all the food going bad”.

_Take my lie. Take it. You’ll never know that the anti-Bermuda zone option does not exist in the first place_ , intensely thought Abuto; while giving his boss a pointed look.

“Oh yeah, I need one of those. I can’t afford to lose yet another dish sent by mail by my beloved little sister; all the way from Earth” Said the walking brother complex.

Sent from Earth by mail? No doubt the food was mouldy and even beyond that when it got here. No wonder his stomach was literally starting to melt.

“I’m going to take a look on Mamazon, see if they have any fridge with that option,” said Kamui before walking away to return to his quarters.

But the situation was becoming critical for Abuto’s buttocks.

It was Black Friday in front of his sphincter.

 _YES. GOBBLE MY LIE; HOOK, LINE AND SINKER; AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE_ , he thought.

Mission Complete. His boss was convinced of all his bullshit being true. He would be able to go to the toilets and relieve himself of the crappy shit bomb which was about to wipe out his asshole.

But then, as if to but an emphasis on his exit, the young Yato turned his head around to face Abuto, eyes hidden underneath his bangs. He then slightly tilted backwards his face, unveiling eyes gleaming with pettiness and mischief… And grinned, showing all his teeth in the process.

_**HE KNOWS.** _

_**THAT FUCKER KNOWS.** _

Abuto was sure of it, he’d been had all along by his boss. Perhaps had he even known since the beginning; from the very moment, he entered the dining hall this morning.

The young Yato then resumed walking away, leaving behind him the destroyed mind of his current enemy.

Once Kamui left the room, convinced that justice had been served as it should have, Abuto finally let go of the pressure he had accumulated up until now; facing the almost-continuous stressful state he’d been in since the Breakfast Ceremony…

He let it go so much that he even released what he was trying to hold since a few minutes ago.

And as if to corroborate his hunch, a nasty and foul smell began to spread in the room.

A tear slowly made its way on his face. _ **Karma’s a bitch. It was enough to make a grown man cry. (6)**_

With an almost unnatural slow pace, and a more than abnormal walk, he got out of the refectory too.

Hurry up… The toilets… Faster...

* * *

**The End.**


	2. BONUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small bonus to celebrate the revision and translation of this story. Or, how we came up with the idea to this story.

**[EXTRACT OF A CONVERSATION BETWEEN OLARIN AND AREE. Translated from French]**

* * *

**Aree (about an OC Olarin made):** "I know you want to look into his background a bit more"

 **Olarin:** "The Harusame thinks he's gone missing."

 **Olarin:** "What about this guy?? So maybe he run away"

 **Olarin:** "To escape from the bad guys"

 **Aree :** "Guilty of: stealing all the food from the Harusame's canteen"

[...]

**Aree :** "Abuto be like : It's Snack Time!"

 **Aree:** "Also Abuto: Where are the loops?"

 **Aree:** * _hysterically laughing_ *

 **Olarin:** "Abuto trying to calm down Kamui because someone took _**HIS**_ chilli Tupperware from the fridge"

 **Aree :** "Abuto who couldn't get his snacks" * _dafuk face_ *

 **Olarin :** "Even though there was written ' _ **KAMUI**_ ' on it"

 **Aree :** "the chilli" *perfect*

 **Aree:** OMFG ROFL

 **Aree :** THESE TIMES WHEN THE FOOD MARKED WITH YOUR NAME GOES MISSING

 **Olarin :** The Bermuda Fridge

 **Aree :** *LMAO* I CAN'T ANYMORE

* * *

**[END OF BONUS]**

**Author's Note:**

> Comprehensive notes :  
> (1)NEET: Not in Education, Employment or Training.   
> (2) Parody of the Tea Ceremony.  
> (3) Truck-Kun is the name given to the generic truck sending anime protagonists to other worlds.  
> (4) reference to the series of books Narnia, written by C.S. Lewis.  
> (5) White Lady/ Dame Blanche: ice cream dessert with vanilla ice cream, chantilly cream and chocolate sauce.  
> (6) quote from policeman Flint Lockwood, from the movie « Cloudy with a chance of meatballs ».


End file.
